Module 3

Regulating Big Emotions

In Module 2, you learned how to strengthen your relationship with your child. Now we will use that connection as a base to manage big and overwhelming emotions. This is one of the biggest challenge parents face with child behavior. This module does not focus on stopping or changing emotions but instead will introduce skills for both you and your child to navigate big emotions effectively.

Children are not born knowing what to do with big emotions. They have to learn coping skills just like they have to learn to read and write. This also means that parents get to put on their teacher hat and teach their children ways to manage big emotions safely and effectively. Children initially learn co-regulation skills, or parent-led regulation, and then begin using independent regulation skills.

Co-Regulation Skills 

Co-regulation skills are children’s first introduction to managing emotions. They are called “co-regulation skills” because parents and children practice these skills together. You’ll notice that the skills are physical- that's because big emotions are often physical, especially for kids. These skills work by calming the stress response system in the body, which will help your child (and you!) feel more in control.

It is best to practice co-regulation skills when everyone is calmed so that you and your child are prepared when big emotions emerge. In the moment, you should jump right into co-regulation skills and allow your child to join in naturally rather than pressuring them to use skills. Keep in mind that you may have to use multiple skills until your child is feeling calmer!

Skills to Practice 

• Label feelings: Name your emotions and your child’s emotions using a neutral tone of voice. For example, you may say “I can tell that you’re feeling sad because we couldn’t go to the park” or “You look really frustrated.”
• Breathe together: Breathe in for three seconds and out for three seconds so your child can see you practicing. If your child likes it, let them sit on your lap so they can feel you taking deep breaths.
• Body calming: When your child is ready, slowly rub their back, feet, or head. You do not have to say anything because your child will already feel soothed and connected!
• Back stories: Tell a story out loud while also drawing it out on your child’s back. For example, you can draw flowers or act out walking with your fingers.
• Music: Music can be used in multiple ways! Consider playing calming songs, acting out songs, or singing and dancing to your favorite tunes.
• Sensory activities: The space around your child can help them calm down. To create a calming environment, you can turn down the lights, silence noisy toys and other noises, place a weighted blanket or other item on your child, and even place a cool washcloth on your child’s head.

Regulation Skills: A Child Calm Down Toolkit

As your child gets older, they can begin learning independent regulation skills, or skills are tools they can use to manage their emotional state. As with co-regulation skills, the goal is to practice regulation skills during calm moments so they become habitual even in stressful moments.

Skills to Practice

Children Ages 4-6

Balloon Breathing: This is a focused breathing exercise that helps children relax. It works by slowing down breathing which counteracts a stress response. The slow deep breathing slows the heart rate and lowers blood pressure

• • Instructions: Have your child put their hand on their belly. Say, “Let’s pretend your belly is a balloon. Breath in through your nose to fill it up, breathe out to let the air out slowly through your mouth.”

Squeeze and Relax: This technique involves tensing a group of muscles and then releasing them. It allows children to learn the difference between tension and relaxation in their body. This works by helping children gain skills to relax their muscles. During times of stress tension can be built up in the muscles. By releasing this tension that tells the brain that things are okay now.

• • Instructions: Choose a muscle group, for this example we will choose the hands. Then say, “Let’s squeeze our fists super tight! Squeeze as you can”. After a couple of seconds say, “Now let them go floppy”. Continue this with other muscles in the body.

Video 3: Young Child Relaxation Skills 

Children Ages 7-10

5 Senses Exercise: This is a technique that forces the brain to shift focus from internal thoughts to things happening in the environment around them using the five senses. Big emotions are often fueled by thoughts about the past or future. This exercise acts as a disruption to those thoughts. It forces the child to bring their attention to the things around them versus the thoughts in their head.

Instructions: Guide them through the tasks below.

• • 5 Things you can SEE: “Look around and name five things you can see. The pattern of the ceiling, a speck of dirt on the floor, the light shining in the living room.
  • 4 things you can FEEL: “Notice four things you can feel such as your socks on your feet, the chair under you, the air on your skin.”
  • 3 things you can HEAR: “Listen for three sounds. The noise the fridge is making, cars passing by outside, or the sound of my voice.”
  • 2 things you can SMELL: “Find two smells. Things like the smell of detergent on your clothes or the cool crisp air around you.”
  • 1 thing you can TASTE: “Notice one thing you can taste such as the food you previously had or just take a sip of water.”

Imagining a Safe Place: In this technique the child creates a place in their mind where they feel comfortable safe, calm, and happy. This works because it gives the child a sense of control. No matter what is going on or where they are they can go to this inner peaceful place to calm down.

• • Instructions: Have your child sit in a comfortable spot and close their eyes. Guide them using your words, “Imagine a place where you feel peaceful and safe. It can be real or place you made up. What do you see around you? What sounds do you hear? What can you feel?”. During this exercise encourage them to add details to make the place feel real.

Set Your Child Up for Success 

In addition to learning regulation skills, parents can also set their children up for success by anticipating stressful situations. Kids often have big emotions when they are tired or hungry, when transitioning between activities, and when they are out of their routine. To plan ahead, parents may consider the following ideas:

• Address biological needs: Children (and adults!) struggle to manage their emotions when they are tired or hungry. When your child is having big emotions, consider when they last ate and rested. Offer and encourage a snack, drink, or rest/nap to help address basic biological needs! Similarly, if your child is cranky around dinner time or bedtime, consider an earlier meal or bedtime to accommodate needs.
• Give heads up about transitions: Let your child know how much time they have left before moving to a new activity; consider giving them a heads up at 10 minutes, 5 minutes, and 1 minute so kids are aware of what’s happening. You can also use statements such as “when you finish this game level, then we will eat dinner” so kids are able to finish their current activity.
• Talk about changes to routine: Kids thrive on routine and often feel uncomfortable when things change. If you are doing something new, talk with your child about what to expect that day and when things are happening. Younger children may benefit from visual schedules to help them prepare for changes.
• Manage stimulation: Some kids struggle to pay attention, regulate emotions, and comply with instructions when there is too much stimulation. Stimulation can include noise, colors, other people, exciting toys and activities, and so on. If your child is having a hard time regulating, consider moving them to a less stimulating environment. For example, if your child is struggling to quickly put their shoes on in their bedroom around their toys, have them put their shoes on in the kitchen where there is less stimulation.

Video 4: Transitions and changes to routine

Module 3 Action Steps: 

• Practice It: Try out 1 co-regulation skill and 1 regulation skill each day when things are calm.
• Plan Ahead: Think of 1-2 times during the day when your child is more emotional and practice planning ahead to ease stressors.
• Reflect: How did your child’s behavior and emotional regulation change over the week? What would you like to make a habit?
• Self-Compassion: No one is able to regulate their emotions every time. It is ok to apologize and try again if you get frustrated with your child!

**HANDOUTS: child relaxation packet, co-regulation