Module 5
Decreasing Unhelpful Behaviors
Congratulations on hitting the half way mark in BE HAPPY! So far, we’ve learned about why childhood behaviors occur and ways to increase positive behaviors at home. Ideally, you’ve started to see unhelpful behaviors decrease naturally as you’ve directed attention, praise, and rewards towards helpful behaviors. However, kids will be kids and will sometimes need additional guidance to make good choices.
In the last module, you learned about giving more attention to behaviors that we do want to see. In the next two modules, we will learn to effectively remove attention from unhelpful behaviors. In Module 5, we will begin discussing ways to decrease minor unhelpful behaviors. In the next module, we will address effective responses to more serious behaviors. As a reminder, continue practicing all the skills to ensure helpful behaviors become a habit!
Effective Commands
The first step to getting your child to comply is to give effective commands. In fact, children are much more likely to follow instructions when commands are given in a clear way. When they know exactly what you want them to do, it is much easier for them to listen!
Let’s take a look at the characteristics of an effective command.
- Direct: Make commands direct statements instead of vague suggestions.
- Don’t: Would you like to sit down?
- Do: Please sit down right here.
- Positively stated: Tell your child what TO DO instead of what not to do. Avoid using words like quit,
no, don’t, stop, and not.
- Don’t: Quit running around!
- Do: Please hold onto my hand in the store.
- One: Give one command at a time instead of stringing multiple instructions together.
- Don’t: I need you to get dressed, brush your teeth, and make your bed.
- Do: Please put your clothes on.
- Specific: Tell you child exactly what you want to see.
- Don’t: Please behave.
- Do: Please sit here and play with your toys while I talk on the phone.
- Developmentally appropriate: Be sure that your child can do what you are asking of them.
- Don’t: (parent to a 4-year-old) Go get ready for bed.
- Do: Pick out your pajamas and I will come to help with bath time.
- Polite: Model mutual respect while still being direct and clear.
- Don’t: You shouldn’t be screaming, stop acting like a baby!
- Do: I need you to be a good example and use your indoor voice.
- Neutral: Speak in a neutral tone of voice instead of yelling or pleading.
- Don’t: Sit here NOW!!! Or Will you sit here, please???
- Do: Come sit next to me.
- Concise: Avoid over-explaining. If you would like to explain the reason for the command, be
sure to do so before giving the command or after your child has obeyed.
- Don’t:
- Parent: Put your toys away now.
- Child: Why?
- Parent: Because we need to leave for school.
- Child: Let me finish!
- Parent: I said put your toys away now!
- Do:
- Parent: We need to leave for school in 5 minutes. Please put your toys away.
- Child: Let me finish!
- Parent: Please put your toys away.
- Don’t:
- Necessary: Give commands at a time when you are able to follow through with consequences for
non-compliance.
- Don’t: Forget it, I’ll just clean up because we are in a hurry!
- Do: We cannot leave for the park until you pick up your crayons.
Try practicing effective commands in a fun way! Play games that incorporate commands and remember to give lots of praise. Check out the handout at the end of today's module for game ideas!
Managing Minor Misbehaviors
What is a minor misbehavior?
Minor misbehaviors are behaviors that are not harmful, annoying, or inappropriate. Such behaviors include:
|
Angry mood |
Clinginess | Lying | Using bad words |
| Arguing | Being mean to inanimate objects | Talking loudly | Back talking |
| Baby talk | Demanding | Not sharing | Tantruming |
| Bragging | Refusing to answer | Refusing to sit down | Being selfish |
| Chewing toys | Grabbing toys | Sulking | Whining |
To help children learn what behaviors are appropriate, we want to pay attention to helpful behaviors and remove attention from unhelpful behaviors. This concept is called selective attention or active ignoring. Rather than reacting to, correcting, and scolding minor misbehaviors, the goal is to remove all attention until the child corrects the behavior. Remember, what we pay attention increases!
When you first notice a minor misbehavior, forewarn your child that you will ignore them if the behavior continues. If your child corrects the behavior, offer plenty of praise! If not, move into active ignoring by following these steps:
- Silence: Stay silent. Do not speak to, yell at, or interact with your child in any way.
- Redirect: Demonstrate enjoyable behaviors, like playing with a toy. Ideally, your child will move away from the misbehavior and join in!
- Turn your eyes/face/back: Physically turn your body away from your child to minimize all interaction.
- Walk away: If necessary, leave the area or room until your child corrects their behavior. You can let them know that you are leaving the room until they make a different choice. For example, you may say “I am going to walk away until you use a big kid voice to talk to me.”
Often, your child’s misbehavior may increase before it decreases. This is normal as they are used to getting attention when they make inappropriate choices! Stay consistent and strong! Your child will learn that they are not going to get your attention until they correct their behavior. The more consistent you can be with your ignoring, the quicker the minor misbehavior will decrease!
Time Out
Time out is a discipline strategy that has withstood the test of time- and there’s
a good reason why! Time out is a straightforward and simple way to remove attention
from misbehavior by removing your child from the situation. Parents often mention
that they have tried time out with little luck, so they stopped using it and/or escalated
to other forms of discipline . We hear you- and we encourage you to try again using
a specific strategy. Let's take a look!
| Step | Parent Action | Example |
| 1 | Parent gives a direct command and child does not comply | “Please put your shoes on.” Child ignores parent |
| 2 | Parent counts silently to five | (count silently): “1, 2, 3, 4, 5.” Child continues to ignore parent |
| 3 | Parent gives warning | “If you don’t put your shoes on, we are going to sit on the time out chair.” Child continues to ignore parent |
| 4 | Parent counts silently to five | (count silently): “1, 2, 3, 4, 5.” Child continues to ignore parent |
| 5 | Parent gives explanation | “You did not do what I told you to do, so you have to sit on the time out chair.” |
| 6 | Parent takes child to time out | (Stand up immediately and take child to time out chair) |
| 7 | Parent give direct command to sit on the chair | “Sit on the chair until I tell you that you can get off.” |
| 8 | Parent waits for 3 minutes plus 5 seconds of quiet | (Child sits quietly for 3 minutes and 5 seconds of quiet) |
| 9 | Parent asks child if they are ready to comply with original command | “You are sitting quietly in the chair. Are you ready to put your shoes on?” |
| 10 | Parent waits silently for child to comply (may point) | (point to the shoes) |
| 11 | Parent acknowledges compliance | “Thank you for putting your shoes on.” |
| 12 | Parent gives follow-up command | “Now please grab your backpack.” |
| 12 | Parent gives enthusiastic praise for compliance | “Great job following directions!!” |
Setting up for Success
Give Advanced Warning
Kids need to understand which behaviors are linked to which consequences. Tell your child ahead of time what behaviors will result in a time-out. For example, you could say “If you choose to hit, you will sit in time-out.”
Make it Immediate
When you child chooses a behavior that results in time-out, immediately start the time-out process. Do not beg or reason with your child and threaten time-out later in the day.
Keep it Brief
We recommend starting with 3 minutes plus 5 seconds of quiet to make time-out more manageable. Further, most children will calm down and be ready to rejoin the action in 3 minutes!
Keep it Calm
The goal of time-out is for kids to sit quietly. This way, kids learn to associate good behavior with the end of time-out and learn that yelling and screaming during a time-out won’t work.
Keep It Quiet
The time-out chair should ideally be in a place where you can see your child but is not in the middle of family action. Remember, we want to remove as much attention from unhelpful behavior. Families may consider a quiet office, dining room, laundry room, or hall bathroom. If a separate room is not possible, pick the quietest corner possible.
Pay NO Attention
A child in time-out should be ignored. This means not talking to them or about them, not gesturing in their direction, and not making eye contact. Withdraw your attention even if your child is whining, crying, or protesting. You’re sending the message that misbehaving is not the way to get what they want.
Be Consistent
It is tempting to put kids in time-out whenever they are misbehaving, but using time-outs randomly makes it more difficult for kids to connect specific misbehaviors with consequences. It is also important for time-out to happen every time your child breaks the established rule. We do not want to encourage kids to believe that time-out is not guaranteed or that they can get away with unhelpful behavior.
Troubleshooting
What if my child won’t go to the time out chair?
Time out is best suited for younger children, so you may pick up your child and carry them to the chair.
What if my child won’t stay in the time out chair?
If your child has trouble staying in the time out chair, consider putting them in a room or area that they cannot escape from, like a bedroom or bathroom. A parent may stand near the child to ensure safety. Calmly remind the child that their time out time restarts each time they get up. They will quickly learn that it’s in their best interest to stay put! If they continue to refuse, consider a backup consequence.
What if my child won’t stay quiet?
Remind your child that they must be quiet in order for time-out to end. Most noise, including crying, can be actively ignored! However, time-out will continue until your child calms and quiets down.
What if I can’t stay calm?
It can be very challenging to stay calm and use a neutral tone of voice when your child is actively disobeying your commands. Practice deep breathing and relaxation in order to stay neutral. If possible, consider trading with a partner to get a break!
Time Out Variations
- Time out away from home: Before leaving, clearly explain to your child how you want them to behave. If you are out of the house and your child breaks a rule that results in time-out, follow the same steps described above. At another home, put your child in an uninteresting place. In a store, have your child sit in a quiet corner or aisle or walk to the car for time-out. At a restaurant, place your child at a nearby table or take them to the car. If you absolutely cannot give a time-out, let your child know they will have a delayed time-out as soon as you return home.
- Time out from toys: If your child is having trouble playing appropriately with toys or when multiple children are arguing over a toy, consider a time out from that toy. Calmly remove the toy for 15 minutes and let your child know why they are losing the toy. The child may retrieve the toy after 15 minutes.
- Time out from parents: A time out from parents can be helpful when a child is physically or verbally aggressive towards you. Separate yourself from your child, go to another room, and shut the door if necessary. Wait until your child is calm for 5 minutes before rejoining them.
Handouts:
Module 5 Action Steps:
- Practice it: Download the handouts and post them somewhere prominent in your home as a reminder to practice effective commands and active ignoring.
- Plan it: Select a place in your home for a time-out chair. Talk with your child about 2-3 behaviors that will result in a time-out. Remember to implement time-out immediately after a rule is broken!
- Reflect: How can you improve the way your offer commands? What behaviors can you give less attention to this week?
- Self-Compassion: Validate your efforts to stay calm even when your child is misbehaving! Give yourself time and space to relax and recharge when you are feeling overwhelmed by the process.